mjlewis and Kim Nalley got married yesterday. I had the honor to be the best man. Here's the toast I gave at the reception.

Thanks Mike and Kim for inviting us all, and sharing their wedding with us. And wow, what a beautiful day. Can we move this party outside?

Hi, I’m Dave, Mike is my best friend. We’ve known each other for, what is it, Mike? 15 years now? When did we get so old?

So Mike and I have spent a lot of time on a lot of different things over the years. We’ve fallen into kind of a pattern, actually. Mike picks something he’s pretty good at, and then he introduces me to it so he can kick my butt. Magic, racquetball, pinball, the list goes on. Somehow we never start things that I’m good at. Why is that?

But I did beat him to the whole marriage thing. Ok, I realize it’s not a competition, but ha ha, I won! Anyway, I thought I’d share a little of my hard earned knowledge from five years of marital experience. So I was thinking about what to say, you know, advice like, “Never go to bed angry,” or, “Remember that even when she’s wrong, she’s right.” But you’ve heard those ones already.

One thing I should mention is about teamwork. In a successful partnership, you each have to do about 80% of the work. Not every day – you have up days and down days – but you definitely have to do more than half, both of you. I’m not quite sure how the math works out[1].

Ok, so what else can I tell you. Well, it occurred to that my marriage is a sample size of just one, which means nothing, really, right? So I did a search of the scientific literature on marital satisfaction – you all know that Mike’s a geek, right? Yeah, well so am I, in case you didn’t figure that out – and here’s what I found.[2]

It turns out you can predict how successful marriages will be by watching a couple interact and looking at a couple things. First, how much the husband expresses sincere fondness for his wife (the other way doesn’t matter, don’t ask me why); second, both having high awareness of each other, meaning you can tell how the other person is feeling; and third, defensiveness (defensiveness is bad).

So here’s my advice. Mike: tell Kim – and show her -- that you love her, often. Both of you: don’t be defensive! And pay attention to each other, and think of each other, often.

So join me, raise a glass, to wish Mike and Kim a very happy, long, successful marriage. Mazel Tov!

Congrats to Mike and Kim!

[1] Here's why you have to do more than half. When you look at a job or your household, you think of the things that need to be done, and arrange to do about half of them. But you will inevitably underestimate some, generally the things you have little experience at, and you will forget others. If your partner picks up all the slack, she'll end up doing way more than her fair share. So both of you need to think about what feels like half, and do more than that, for it to come out about even. [3]

[2] From The baby and the marriage : Identifying factors that buffer against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives, Gottman et al, from the Journal of Family Psychology, 2000, vol. 14, no1, pp. 59-70 (27 ref.),

and Marital Interaction and Satisfaction: A Longitudinal View, Gottman and Krokoff, from Journal of Consultiog and Clinical Psychology, 1989, Vol. 57, No. 1, 47-52

[3] No, I didn't include the footnotes in the toast.